“You know, that didn’t taste too good – hic, I don’t know why you keep trying to give me that.” Your head snaps left down at your dog, eyes wide. “Oh, shit – hic. Ummm, ARF – hic – ARF ARF!”
“What. In. The. Fuck?!” You exclaim.
“Okay – hic, secrets out. I can talk – hic. All animals can talk. But look – hic, if you’re going to give me alcohol. Give me the good shit, that water stuff is gross, Dad – hic.”
“YOU CAN TALK?”
“You see my mouth moving – hic – then yes, I can talk. God – hic –, Dad, you sure are slow when you’re drunk.”
“Why have you never talked before?!” You stare at your dog. “Come sit on the couch, Batman.”
“Well – hic –” You watch your dog slightly stumble towards the couch but eventually jumps up and rests his head in your lap. “It’s the unspoken – hic – rule that – hic – pets are to never to speak – hic – to their owners, ever.”
“Well, you’re drunk, let’s keep on drinking!” You laugh and pick up the bottle to pour yourself a shot.
“Dad, I don’t want that,” Batman looks at your dead in the eyes. “I want that darker stuff,” he puts his paw on the Hennessy bottle.
“Right, only the good stuff for my son,” you reach for the bottle and pour yourself another shot and pour Batman a shot. “This is too funny. Wait until your mom hears about this.” He jumps off the couch and goes over to his water bowl, waiting for his shot to be poured.
“Umm, Dad,” he takes a few licks. “Mom definitely cannot know about this. Remember? – hic – This is the stuff.”
“But she’s your mom,” you slam back the shots and laugh. “This is great, my dog can talk.”
“Mom cannot know, Dad,” he looks at you as serious as he can before going back to finish his drink.
“Like no one can know?” You frown. “Well that is the point of a secret.”
The lock clicks and both you and Batman look up at the door as it opens. In walks your girlfriend with her backpack and purse before she sets it down and comes over to hug you.
“I know it’s Monday Night Football, but drinking already?”
“Babe! You won’t believe-”
Batman interrupts you before you can even spill his secret by barking for her attention.
“Hey, Batman,” she laughs. “I wouldn’t believe what?” She allows Batman to give her kisses and laughs when he tilts his head towards her for some scratches.
“I came back from losing this week!” You laugh and pet Batman’s head as if telling him that his secret is safe with you.
Writings by Emily 